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The Chain Reaction

Interlinking me to you, to them, to us.

The lines are drawn . . .
. . . and it's time for war!

Ha! So I'm doin pretty well, which is a bit strange for me. I wasn't going to do a journal update in a good mood cause . . . well hell . . . I'm in a good mood and can do other things, but looking back at all the drama I've contributed to on the LiveJournal community, I figured a happy post is in order.

Why am I happy? Well, can't say it's happy, but a good mood. I've begun to draw the battle lines and begun to look at those people in my life who were with me, who only commented from the side lines, and who were against me. To you out there, I say Fuck You, and can only grin when I know that your time will indeed come. Oh no, I'm not going to name names because if you even wonder, 'Hey, am I on that list?' odds are, you are! To those of you who I can call friends, and to those who I've leaned upon and even carried me... and I mean well before the split between the little brat and I, I say thank you, and my eternal gratitude is yours. Not to mention an angry little Irish man who'll fight tooth and nail for ya if need be.

But, Gabe, why make this post if you are in a good mood?

Simple and hoenst question really, but the answer is just as simple. I've put a few things in my life in order, and even though, "I can't lie, you know I cry, when I think of how it used to be, I keep my friends with me, and I stay busy even though I don't get much sleep....

That's how I'm doin' since you did what you've d-d-done to me."


Oh, shit... I need a moral or some sort of emotional delema for the closing argument on this thing.

Fate is a cruel mistress and Luck is a fickle bitch. I'm a stubborn asshole though, so I'll start making my own luck.

Gabriel Rodriguez.

20+ days later, and still kickin'.
Ok, so maybe I've been a bad boy and not kept this thing updated like I said I would, but hey, I've been busy. Good thing too, cause a bit has happened in those days.

First and foremost, I regret saying I didn't get the promotion at Best Buy. There are a few complications in the grand scheme of things, some on my behalf, the rest on theirs, but all in all, I've gotten a major cut in hours as well the lack of a possible raise. Still stuck at ?.?? an hour. Yes, notice the one '?' after the decimal. So, work has almost instantly gone from exciting and motivating, to stagnant and boring, with no real potential for me. Go figure, eh?

I did take the Firefighter’s test though, and I'm rather confident that I should hear from them in the near future. My primary worry is the Physical test, as I've never been a man of much stature, and more of wit and reaction.

Finally, some good news! I attended a NERO Midwest event, as my PC; "Dusty Moongazer" and had an absolute blast. I'll attribute a fair chunk of that to the fact that my 'ex' wasn't present, but I would hate to take the credit away from plot, staff, and the other players who welcomed my return as Dusty. I've spent the past 8 or so months as a Scholar, meaning I run around and heal people rather then really fighting. However, at that event, I got to become a rogue again, the class I've been playing for the better part of 6 years now. It felt good to fight . . . to run . . to duck, dodge, leap and even impress my peers with little feats of dexterity. Even though Gabe is far from being Gabe again, Dusty was Dusty, and Gabe had fun channeling that energetic personality into a game I still love to play.

My fears though, are with the upcoming event, where I'm sure both my ex and her new interest will be present. The campsite is tiny, and unless I'm sitting in the woods all weekend, will encounter the both of them on either level of in or out of game. I just need to remember to be the bigger man, and need to remember that I had already called them both out, and received no responses from either of them. I pointed my finger, as well as shined the spotlight on the situation, and both roaches scurried into the shadows. I need to remember that I'll be alright, and even though it still hurts, she's the one who lost out on 'a love as true as mine.'

I just need to keep telling myself that. Maybe I'll eventually believe it.

Writing is good for the sole.
The good news is, I'm working a metric fuck-ton of hours. Yes, I'm still working for Best Buy, and they're already talking about giving me a promotion to a Sr.Invintory Specialist, seemingly because I've a firm grasp on the computer system, and I've displayed some quality 'leadership characteristics'. Funny too, seeing as I've been at the lowest point in my life, where my self esteem has been utterly crushed.

I am doing well though, and have been writing when I'm not on my feet, hence the title of this LJ post. (Just in case some of you slower types didn't get it by now.) I've work in about 5 hours, but wanted to make a quick post to everyone out there, letting ya'll know yer not forgotten, and that I've just been really busy, seeing as I have put my work at the #1, #2 and #3 priorities in my life. Also, wish me luck. On May 26th, I take the Firefighter/EMT test for Chicago.

As for the writing portion of this Journal Update....

I've completed a song. I'm still in the process of Hammering out the fine tuning and note changes and what not, but I'm pretty proud of the lyrics. Yes, It is in a country music format, seeing I was raised on it, and still absolutely love it. If yer interested, click below and it'll take you to it. If not? Well, I guess I'll just see ya'll next post!

She's HistoryCollapse )

"You turned away, and not to me..."
So the new Goo Goo Dolls CD, "Let Love In" came out on the 25th, and needless to say, I picked it up without a moment's hesitation. The entire is slower paced, with tunes that sound similar to 'Name', 'Slide' and 'We are the normal'. Oddly enough, the tone of this CD really fits the mood I've been in lately, lookin back on the past few months and wondering where the time has gone, as well as my mind.

I'm working quite a few hours at Best Buy now, and managed to make enough money to start nailing some of my over-due credit card bills. I've managed to open a new bank account, and even have a savings account opened up, in hopes of hoarding some money for future spending. I've made a Giant leap into becomming a person once again, and yet, I feel I've not even gotten out of bed.

I miss having someone. No matter how much I hated my job, I continued to work, not for myself, but for my ex. I really enjoyed going to work, making money, then spending it on both her and myself, knowing that her happiness was also mine. Now, I work, and go home to an empty room, with an empty bed. Yeah, I have a bit extra money, as well as fewer responcabilities, but it's really not worth it.

It almost asks the question, is it better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all?

After everything that happened, I still can't answer that question. It hurts, I'll freely admit, but the years together were indeed my happiest. However, I have one nagging fear in the back of my mind. . . if we're going to start looking to old quotes and nearly unanswerable questions.

Some people go through life seeking 'the pefrect one' for them. They often have to sort through everyone else to find it.

What if I found my perfect one, and now am forced to sort through everyone else searching for what can never be found?

Yeah, I know, I'm still dwelling on the past, and to be honest, I'm not looking forward to this June 26th. However, life goes on, and If I stand around, looking behind me wondering where everything went wrong, the 'next perfect one' will end up wooshin right past me, leaving me in the dust.

So, to everyone out there, as I speak from experience. . . keep lookin forward. Don't look down, or you'll end up walking itno a tree, and don't look too far up, or you'll trip into a ditch. Just take things one step at a time, and pace yourself.

I've a question. . .
Have you ever had a time in your life where you just look up and say, 'Um, god? Lemmie know when you plan to stop pissing on me, alright?'

My Grandmother's in the hospital, again, and things are. . .odd. Well, odd is an understatement. More along the lines of. . . creepy. She's sick, then better, then sick, then a little better, then what seems to be on her death bed, before she gets better, but her mind seems to be fading. I really can't go into details, due to the fact that not even the doctors know what's wrong, but reguardless, and to get to the point, my grandmother is not doing well in the slightest.

Of course, other stress is beginning to pile up. 2 days of the new job now, and I am not happy. The idea of working again kinda frightens me. I don't know why though, because I know I need the money, and need the time out of the house to do something, yet, I just don't have the confidence in myself to push forward.

I know one of my problems is my reluctancy to let go of the past.

I'm beginning to wonder where my head is though. I worked Saturday, April 1st and Sunday, April 2nd at 7 in the morning on both days, and yet. . . on Saturday afternoon, managed to drive out to the NERO event for a couple hours. Yeah, I only played as an NPC and a couple monsters, but I went knowing full well that both Susan, my (sadly) soon to be ex-wife, and the guy she left me for would both be there. I went to see friends, yes, but I went for selfish reasons as well.

I went to see if I've any friends left. I'm afraid to be alone again, afraid to be in the situation I was in before I met the love of my life, doing nothing but playing video games and hiding in my attic.

I went to see how they would react. A part of me really wanted to cause them both some uncomfort in knowing that I'm simply not going to fade into the shadows. I wanted them to look at me, and feel . . . something. I want them to feel bad for what they've done, and I want them to feel angry, in hopes in picking a fight with me so I can truely say what's on my mind. I wanted them to shy away from me, so others can see that they are indeed betrayers of trust, friendship and loyality.

Most importantly, I wanted to see how I would react. I wanted to see if I can still come back and play a game I've loved playing for the past 5 years. A game that has gotten old to some, and yet, is still fun to me. Yes, 5 years of NERO, and I still enjoy playing.

. . . but I know my reaction. It hurts. I look at Dave, and I just feel betrayed. He knew about Susan's problems, and some of her issues, and rather then being the good guy, being the friend, he turned around and turned everything into his gain. I'm not angry, but it's still a voliatle situation. At the same time, I know he's not worth it.

. . . but looking upon my ex, I continually get swept with emotions. I look at her, and know that when she looks at me, she sees a faded memory. I look at her and still see everything we had, and everything we could have had. I see her look at me with a blank stare, with empty eyes. . . and I look back with a sadness, a lonliness, and a flicker of love that will not die. What hurts though, is knowing that within a month of my leave of the appartment, she had not only erased my existance, but welcomed another into her life, and her bed.

My introspection lead to a scary thought though, knowing that going to NERO is going to be an uncomfortable task for quite some time. Why do I still go, knowing that my ex and her new 'love' will be present?

I hit rock bottom, I admit, and am nearly back on my feet, but why still attend NERO, and bring forth my own personal little world of internal conflict and drama?

NERO seems to be all I have left, and I'm afraid to lose that too.

Yes, I understand this LJ post is. . . deep. . . and if not drama laced, definately some hard core emo stuff. I'm not going to knock emo at the moment though, because emotions have a funny way of making others think and act differently then normal. I've asked myself, why do I still care about her? Why about the game? Why, why, why. . .

Ah yes, today's lesson.

Yep, it's a simple lesson and in reality, one that is often overlooked, but I want to just say, be honest. Drama is oft a product of rumor, and rumor is nothing more then the truth retold. Honesty and the Truth are oft not the same, because everyone has their own version of the truth. Even I know this, and understand when I say that "Susan and Dave are bad, bad people," that this is only my version of the truth. I am going to strive to be more honest in my life, and more importatly, learn to be honest with myself. I 'snapped' at a couple people at the NERO event when they simply asked me 'Hey, how are ya?' in thinking they were being condacending. That's because I'm having trouble trusting anyone, anymore. However, I'll strive for honesty, and hope it comes back to me.

While playing Kingdom Hearts 2 today, there was a line 'Beast' said, from beauty and the beast. I think it'll be a good note to close on, because it is not only a great line, but something I see as self honesty.

"I simply want to love, and be loved in return."

Resuming where ya left off.
I guess that's the topic of this little post for today. Picking up where you left off. Again, I need to adhere to my previous promise of no drama in my posts, so without further adu...

I got a job. It's working for Best Buy, but it's a part time position for now while I work on trying to gain some weight toget my skinny butt into the Police OR Fire Department. Seems Chicago is calling for EMT's, and they might even want me. 24 hours on, 48 hours off, working 98 days out of a year and saving lives while pulling in anywhere from 35K to 50K a year. Not to mention having a second job on the side if I want to make some extra cash. It's all about picking up where I left off.

Have any of you readers done so? (this is the part where I make you think...) Have you stopped everthing you were doing to .. just pick up and try something totally unexpected? Ever paint using watercolors. . then just stop and say "Hell, I wanna do charcoal drawings." Or perhaps something a bit deeper, where you stopped everything to live with someone you love? I had a conversation with my little sister, and she asked me, straight out, if I have any regrets in my life. Do I have anything that I look back at and say "Damn, I did that the wrong way." Looking back, I actually don't. I'm glad I had the oppertunity to move out and fall in love, and glad I had the chance to be an adult, to be a lover, and to be a husband. My only regrets stem from the way things were handled on my ex's part. The lying, the backstabbing. . .all of that I can't say I regret, because I feel I didn't cause it. So, no, I've no regrets. I've lived an interesting life thusfar.

I had an English Teacher in High School, who once said, "The only way you can ever judge another person's life, is by the stories they have to tell." I consider this another story, and a life lesson. I will admit all is not well though, as I do have some trust issues, and a broken heart, but those tie into a whole emotional ball that I have to deal with. The 'external' ball I offer others to play with, is fairly simple. Have no regrets, even if what you do is stupid. Fill your life with stories and share them with others. You only have one life to live, so you best make it count.

Not even a year gone by and. . .
Ka-Boom! I guess this little post is going to serve multiple functions in what's been going on in my little life. Thanks to wlfdog and her posts on looking back at her life, I decided to let everyone who even glances this way know that I'm still alive, and Slowly getting back on my feet. Also, the attached segment below is to also help quell the slew of rumors floating around about my short-lived marriage; rumors ranging from abuse, neglect, and even threatening lives. This was orignally written as an E-Mail to about 25 of my friends, as well as the 'guilty' parties, as a telling of my side of things to, more or less, bullet-proof myself from character assassination. Oh, and for those who are wondering, yes 'Kota' is just a nickname. I used her real name, Susan, for the sake of getting a point across.

A Letter To AllCollapse )

Holy Fuck-Nuggits!
It's 11:32. I need to leave for work in 10 minutes. Seeing as I enjoyed the off-the-cuff writing of my last, short LJ update, I think I'll do another one for all my adoring fans out there.

I'm married. It's been one month now and everything is. . well . . as it was before the wedding. Minus the stress and worring about who sits where and why the cake smells funny. I'm calm, got a bit of money (thanks ya'll) and back on my normal routine.

Ireland was great. I'm not even going to insult country by describing how wonderful it was through words. No, I'm not dancing either. Ireland was incrediable and really, that's all i have to say.

Life is good. You get out of it what you put into it, and at the moment, I'm gettin a half tank for $2.50 a gallon. I just need to change my work schedule/find a new job and I'll be on top of the world. For now, I'll stick with what I got, work my odd hours and make plans for this winter, where I'll finally be going back to school.

Next big plans? NERO and MFF. That reminds me. . .Jessie, we gots ta talk.

Everyone else? I'll see you around.

~Gabriel Rodriguez

Off the cuff . .
I have to admit, when I usually make a Live Journal Update, I tend to type it out in word first, read over it to make sure it makes sense, then post it up. I do this to avoid ramblings, remarks I will regret saying and of course spelling errors!

Today's update however, it totally off the cuff simply because I'm bored, and am in the process of eating last night's Olive Garden (Sausage & Peppers Rustica).

On June 12th, In the eyes of whatever church dwelling diety that is so bored that he or she wishes to watch this little planet of earth, I got married. Kota's mother is a religious . .well . .more like a fanitical blade wielding zealot, but we did the church wedding to appease her and whatever god she believes in. It was then I realized, seeing her cry at the wedding, that no matter what else happens in the world, in the eys of her god, and in her faith, Kota and myself are married. There were no papers signed or rings exchanged, but for her, it was the real thing. It was then I realized that I disreguarded my morals and principals for her, and couldn't be happier.

Sometimes, to win the war you need to loose a battle. Hell, you might even just need to fake a loss just to get the ultimate prize in the end. Not saying Kota's a prize, but as well meaning as her parents are, they enjoy letting me know what they think of me.

So now, I have some 10 days before the offical wedding that will be reconized by the state, and I'm just floating. I'm not overly happy, but I'm not upset. I'm just .. trying to get by, in hopes things go smoothly and then I can start living my life again. Believe me, the planning, preperations and other B.S> has been nothing but a headache.

So, right now, I'm just surviving. All of my friends have been put on the back burner. My Work has been put back there, as well as any social life as well. I apologize for disappearing on everyone, but hopefully soon, everyone's favorite little smart ass will be back.

I hope anyway . . .

Law & Disorder
Lawmakers are at it again. This time, their latest idea would be to allow military people to drink alcoholic beverages at the age of 19. Now, of course this is shaky ground, because it’s founded on a few principals. One side asks, “If I’m old enough to die for my country, why am I not old enough for a beer?” After all, a good percentage of the military folks know how to use a deadly weapon by 16 years of age(hunters, urban warfare and southerners with too much free time), and are fully trained by the age of 18. These kids are fully prepared to take the life of another human at the drop of a hat, yet aren’t trusted to drink to assist in stress relief.

Then again, another side of me says that these young military bucks aren’t trained to think. They’re trained like a dog to attack, sit, sleep, and eat all of their kibble on command. I remember being 18 and at 22, I know I’m much different then I was back then. However, this is still a slippery slope because it simply balances on a blanket punishment of those few who have ruined it for everyone.
To me, this is just another marketing strategy. “Hey kids! Wanna drink at 19? Then join the military and die for your country!” If they want to lower the drinking age, then they should simply lower the age for everyone. After all, this is a country of equal opportunity *snicker* right? I’m sure there are a few people out there saying that ‘military personnel’ aren’t civilians and should have some special privileges. Well, if I was 19 and was suckered into the military, I’d gladly wave my ‘privilege’ to drink for something useful, say, a pay raise? Maybe more college credits? How about a bigger college grant?
Besides, there’s 2 things lawmakers are overlooking. First, regardless of the age limit, someone will still manage to bypass the system and drink. I had plenty of friends who were about 15 years old and drinking. Secondly, and most importantly, with America being so eager to send troops to other countries to invade . . .er . . . to promote democracy, lawmakers forget that most European countries have lax, or even no drinking laws to begin with.

Another thing on this ‘lawmaker’ issue would be the newest prank played by the United States; “Click it, or Ticket”. All across America, patrol officers are pulling people over and handing people expensive tickets for not wearing a seat belt.

Drinking and Driving is a bad idea. This I can understand because when someone is behind the wheel of a several ton machine flying down the road at over 60 miles per hour, drunk off of his ass, more then the driver is at risk. However, not wearing a seat belt, in the long run, only injures oneself. So my question is, why are we being fined for something that does not affecting anyone except the person doing it? This isn’t a drug issue (though I still say legalize some drugs and just tax the living piss out of it), nor is it an issue of harming others. So what if Jim-Joe-Bob wants to drive like he’s in NASCAR and doesn’t wear a seat belt? He hits a pole, flies out of his seat through the front window and dies. Oh well, his loss. Again, this is simply another strategy to get money, and validate searches.

First, the money generated by these petty crimes get turned back into revenue for the city. I guess I’m in favor of money going to police, fire and medical equipment, but more times then not this extra money goes into someone’s pocket who then disappears to a tropical resort for a month long vacation, and of course, calls it a business meeting.

Secondly, this allows more police officers to randomly stop and search people. Random stops will occur, and even if someone is wearing their belt, an officer can easily say, “From where I was sitting, it didn’t look like it was on.” Can we guess who’s word the court is gonna take? This’ll allow more cops to make more stops, and if the officer is creative enough, come up with a legitmate enough reason why the vehicle was searched.

I can’t complain overly much about the later issue though. Personally I’d allow random stops and searches for anything simply because if you have nothing to hide, it shouldn’t be an issue. Reminder to readers here… I do not believe in democracy when it comes to national security. Just like communism looks like a great idea on paper, it simply doesn’t work with humans because of a little thing called ‘free will’.

Now this is where I’m going to tie everything in. For years I’ve dreamt of becoming a police officer. Hell, the name FoxFuzz even refers to ‘Police’, seeing as ‘Fuzz’ is an old term for police. However, as I’ve gotten a bit older, I’ve realized this dream’ll never come true. My physical stature for starters, is a major drawback for a cop that stands at 5’4’’, 120lbs isn’t all that intimidating. Also, with my life taking a change of pace with marriage and waiting for Kota to decide on where we’re going to live, I really can’t start a career until she figures out where she is going to grad school for her doctorate.

I think the most important part though, has been my change of views on the way things are run. New laws are springing up and I simply can not bring myself to enforce half of these bullshit orders handed down by some numb nuts who create new rules to limit the freedom in America. President Bush, for whatever he’s worth, makes strides in other countries to promote freedom, while Americans loose theirs. Last time I checked, the major issue in Texas was limiting the amount of ‘sexual behavior’ in cheerleading. No mention of Oil, Education, Welfare, Health Care or Environmental conditions. Just concerned with putting a ban on girls bouncing around with pom-poms to music.

I simply can’t bring myself to enforce laws I don’t agree with. I understand laws ARE needed to maintain order. It’s a basic rule in sociology. However, today’s attempt to maintain order has become a game of politics, lawyers and bribery. The entire system is too corrupt for me to progress in. I’ll never be able to be promoted within the ranks. And as for staying a beat cop, I’m too small of a dog to simply enjoy the chase without worrying about what happens after the bad guy’s caught.

So, it’s back to soul searching I go. Maybe I’ll go back to my roots and go to college for psychology, or perhaps to culinary school. Hell, even bartending classes are looking appealing. I’ll figure it out later. I’m only 22 and have my entire life ahead of me. I can’t slack off forever, but I’m not in a hurry to go nowhere.

~Gabriel R. (FoxFuzz)

To Thurl Ravencroft, voice of Tony the Tiger, you’ll be missed. There are fewer joys greater then the smile of a child.