FoxFuzz (foxfuzz) wrote,

I've a question. . .

Have you ever had a time in your life where you just look up and say, 'Um, god? Lemmie know when you plan to stop pissing on me, alright?'

My Grandmother's in the hospital, again, and things are. . .odd. Well, odd is an understatement. More along the lines of. . . creepy. She's sick, then better, then sick, then a little better, then what seems to be on her death bed, before she gets better, but her mind seems to be fading. I really can't go into details, due to the fact that not even the doctors know what's wrong, but reguardless, and to get to the point, my grandmother is not doing well in the slightest.

Of course, other stress is beginning to pile up. 2 days of the new job now, and I am not happy. The idea of working again kinda frightens me. I don't know why though, because I know I need the money, and need the time out of the house to do something, yet, I just don't have the confidence in myself to push forward.

I know one of my problems is my reluctancy to let go of the past.

I'm beginning to wonder where my head is though. I worked Saturday, April 1st and Sunday, April 2nd at 7 in the morning on both days, and yet. . . on Saturday afternoon, managed to drive out to the NERO event for a couple hours. Yeah, I only played as an NPC and a couple monsters, but I went knowing full well that both Susan, my (sadly) soon to be ex-wife, and the guy she left me for would both be there. I went to see friends, yes, but I went for selfish reasons as well.

I went to see if I've any friends left. I'm afraid to be alone again, afraid to be in the situation I was in before I met the love of my life, doing nothing but playing video games and hiding in my attic.

I went to see how they would react. A part of me really wanted to cause them both some uncomfort in knowing that I'm simply not going to fade into the shadows. I wanted them to look at me, and feel . . . something. I want them to feel bad for what they've done, and I want them to feel angry, in hopes in picking a fight with me so I can truely say what's on my mind. I wanted them to shy away from me, so others can see that they are indeed betrayers of trust, friendship and loyality.

Most importantly, I wanted to see how I would react. I wanted to see if I can still come back and play a game I've loved playing for the past 5 years. A game that has gotten old to some, and yet, is still fun to me. Yes, 5 years of NERO, and I still enjoy playing.

. . . but I know my reaction. It hurts. I look at Dave, and I just feel betrayed. He knew about Susan's problems, and some of her issues, and rather then being the good guy, being the friend, he turned around and turned everything into his gain. I'm not angry, but it's still a voliatle situation. At the same time, I know he's not worth it.

. . . but looking upon my ex, I continually get swept with emotions. I look at her, and know that when she looks at me, she sees a faded memory. I look at her and still see everything we had, and everything we could have had. I see her look at me with a blank stare, with empty eyes. . . and I look back with a sadness, a lonliness, and a flicker of love that will not die. What hurts though, is knowing that within a month of my leave of the appartment, she had not only erased my existance, but welcomed another into her life, and her bed.

My introspection lead to a scary thought though, knowing that going to NERO is going to be an uncomfortable task for quite some time. Why do I still go, knowing that my ex and her new 'love' will be present?

I hit rock bottom, I admit, and am nearly back on my feet, but why still attend NERO, and bring forth my own personal little world of internal conflict and drama?

NERO seems to be all I have left, and I'm afraid to lose that too.

Yes, I understand this LJ post is. . . deep. . . and if not drama laced, definately some hard core emo stuff. I'm not going to knock emo at the moment though, because emotions have a funny way of making others think and act differently then normal. I've asked myself, why do I still care about her? Why about the game? Why, why, why. . .

Ah yes, today's lesson.

Yep, it's a simple lesson and in reality, one that is often overlooked, but I want to just say, be honest. Drama is oft a product of rumor, and rumor is nothing more then the truth retold. Honesty and the Truth are oft not the same, because everyone has their own version of the truth. Even I know this, and understand when I say that "Susan and Dave are bad, bad people," that this is only my version of the truth. I am going to strive to be more honest in my life, and more importatly, learn to be honest with myself. I 'snapped' at a couple people at the NERO event when they simply asked me 'Hey, how are ya?' in thinking they were being condacending. That's because I'm having trouble trusting anyone, anymore. However, I'll strive for honesty, and hope it comes back to me.

While playing Kingdom Hearts 2 today, there was a line 'Beast' said, from beauty and the beast. I think it'll be a good note to close on, because it is not only a great line, but something I see as self honesty.

"I simply want to love, and be loved in return."
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